I've reached a point in life now where I feel I can start to say that 'all the crap I've been through, all the pushing myself to extreme limits has led to this moment'.
It's been 21 long, stressful years but I feel I can start to breath again. Don't get me wrong, I'll never put my guard down and I'll always be cautious about everything but for the first time in forever I feel some sense of normality.
I'm at University. I'm gaining a degree. No one can tell that I've had a bad upbringing. I just blend in and it's kind of nice. It's not like at school where I might have had behavioural problems or missed classes. Or had a different person take me to every parents evening. Like the obvious 'troubled home life identifiers'. No one knows anything about me.
Don't get me wrong there's still things that link me with the past.
The other day I got a voicemail saying that there was an error on the University registration system because my term time address and non term time address were the same. So, I went down and explained how I don't have a home outside of University so it was my only address and I got given the strangest looks from this man. Then, the lady was like 'Oh that's odd, I've never had that before'.
At the time this made me feel like crap. It's almost like there was some sort of hierarchy of like students, then people who were in care but still have some family and then me, a care leaver with no one. Buuuut I got over this quickly and I'll tell you why.
I decided to shine another light on what she said. 'I've never heard that before'. It's something I've had said to me a lot in my life. Someone in a children's home who doesn't smoke? - 'I've not seen that before'. Someone who achieved there GCSE's whilst living at Seaside children's home - 'That's not happened before'... like these are all good things! I'm setting precedent. I'm an individual. I'm glad there's not many people like me. It means people will remember me. It means I can make changes and make a difference.
The life I've had has been horrible. Even this year has been horrendous. But I kind of get it more now. These unique sets of unfortunate circumstances have built me up and made me into someone capable of achieving great things and someone who understands deeply life so, so deeply.
I've made it this far and I'll keep on making it.
Tuesday, 17 November 2015
Saturday, 1 August 2015
Personality problem poem.
I've never claimed to be a psychiatrist,
I don't know the anatomy of the brain.
I can't give out prescriptions,
I can't diagnose someone 'insane'.
But torn up bits of plain A4 paper,
Are no good to anyone.
Neither is an unfinished canvas,
Or an unloaded pistol gun.
Am I connected to the world,
is my soul sleeping or awake?
What direction do I go in now?
How many steps do I even take?
Analysis and analysis,
thinking over and over again.
The lines are so blurred over now,
I don't know what's real and what's pretend.
What am I even parts of?
I thought I was the manipulator of reverse psychology.
Why is nothing ever the same?
I thought I could choose who I wanted to be.
We were born a certain way,
and I guess some ways are considered bad?
I used to observe other people,
To see what it was that I didn't have.
I can't believe how desperate I was for affection,
a sad, pathetic and lonely girl.
I copied others mannerisms,
And I destroyed my whole entire world.
I was broken into loads of pieces,
Thousands of tiny shards.
Kind of like that A4 paper,
but even more useless as broken glass.
Everything is spinning,
My mental health is becoming poor.
I want to treat the problem
But I don't know how to anymore.
People expect me to have plans,
and know what I aspire to be.
Yes, I need to set goals
but how can I without a fixed personality?
I don't know the anatomy of the brain.
I can't give out prescriptions,
I can't diagnose someone 'insane'.
But torn up bits of plain A4 paper,
Are no good to anyone.
Neither is an unfinished canvas,
Or an unloaded pistol gun.
Am I connected to the world,
is my soul sleeping or awake?
What direction do I go in now?
How many steps do I even take?
Analysis and analysis,
thinking over and over again.
The lines are so blurred over now,
I don't know what's real and what's pretend.
What am I even parts of?
I thought I was the manipulator of reverse psychology.
Why is nothing ever the same?
I thought I could choose who I wanted to be.
We were born a certain way,
and I guess some ways are considered bad?
I used to observe other people,
To see what it was that I didn't have.
I can't believe how desperate I was for affection,
a sad, pathetic and lonely girl.
I copied others mannerisms,
And I destroyed my whole entire world.
I was broken into loads of pieces,
Thousands of tiny shards.
Kind of like that A4 paper,
but even more useless as broken glass.
Everything is spinning,
My mental health is becoming poor.
I want to treat the problem
But I don't know how to anymore.
People expect me to have plans,
and know what I aspire to be.
Yes, I need to set goals
but how can I without a fixed personality?
Monday, 27 July 2015
Poem - I am a care leaver.
Photo's and memories, the two can be contradicting,
In my first five years of living I never thought I'd become a victim.
My brother came a long and it was like my mother died,
At the time I didn't realise I'd been pushed aside.
I remember the first time, being dragged up the stairs,
My lip scraping against the carpet while I was yanked up by my hair.
For the next five years the memories kind of blurred,
Cursing and then a whack for saying the wrong word.
Alcohol all around, a bit of marijuana too,
Things got more chaotic, I had no clue what to do.
My so called mother was getting crazy, my stepfather decided to go,
They had had enough of each other and now my mother was really low.
Along with being low she had to so much more rage,
Taking it out on me, I remember being so afraid.
No one really knew and no one really cared,
She humiliated me in public and numerous people would stare.
I lost all my friends because she decided to shout in the street too,
Screaming in the front garden, now the neighbours finally knew.
She got taken away in a car and people fussed over me,
I didn't know how to feel, what was going to happen to me?
My brother went to his dads and I was passed around,
Family to more family and town to village to town.
I was so unsettled, I refused to eat any food,
We saw my mother in hospital and then she was out pretty soon.
She didn't really want me back with her, she could only cope with one child,
So I was put into care and that made me pretty riled.
After many placements I went back to live with her,
That broke down real quick as she was still the same abuser.
It's weird because she only ever hurt me and never touched my brother,
I remember wondering 'why did I have to have this for a mother?'.
I was taken back into care and went to over twenty different places,
So many new walls and so many 'concerned' faces.
Eventually at twelve years old after two years of moving around,
I got put in a children's home in another seaside town.
My head got so messed up there, it felt like I was in hell,
Overdosing, cutting and overnights in police cells.
I was surrounded by drama but yet still I kept trying,
Even though most nights I would end up crying feeling like I was dying.
The only one in school, I received 9 A-C GCSE's,
How I managed that, I don't know. It was far from easy.
I then wanted to do college, how ambitious was I?
Society says kids in care are just meant to fail and then die.
Two staff members hurt me, one on the day of my maths test,
So then I got really sad as I had to drop that AS.
I still had three to do though, so I had to stay on the ball,
However it's kind of hard to do that when you keep getting admitted to hospital.
The staff didn't care about me and I just couldn't cope,
I cut my arm way too deep and a few times I overdosed.
After all this it was decided I should move out earlier to live alone,
April 2012 I moved, after five painful years inside that children's home.
I did then become ill from dealing with all of the stress,
I got shingles for the second time whilst taking my end of year tests.
Second year of college I found myself struggling more and more,
I got a job working part time job in a health and beauty store.
I was running out of money and by then I had little hope,
That's when I decided to give drinking and escaping a go.
I had to drop out of college I was given no choice at all,
All my dreams and plans gone, I was now faced by a massive brick wall.
I kept determined though because otherwise all the resilience would have been for nothing,
No matter about the lack of help I still wanted to become something.
I became homeless at one point but didn't want that to define me,
I still had many goals and one was to go to university.
I got a place on a course that isn't really for me,
I start in September but I still don't feel happy.
Because of my lack of credits I can't study anything I actually want to do,
No one will give me a chance but they don't even have the slightest clue.
I'm on my last life line or at least that's how I feel,
My mentality is all over the place, I don't even know what is real.
Maybe there is will be hope someday, or maybe hope is for the dreamer,
This is a brief up to date outline of my life, I am a care leaver.
In my first five years of living I never thought I'd become a victim.
My brother came a long and it was like my mother died,
At the time I didn't realise I'd been pushed aside.
I remember the first time, being dragged up the stairs,
My lip scraping against the carpet while I was yanked up by my hair.
For the next five years the memories kind of blurred,
Cursing and then a whack for saying the wrong word.
Alcohol all around, a bit of marijuana too,
Things got more chaotic, I had no clue what to do.
My so called mother was getting crazy, my stepfather decided to go,
They had had enough of each other and now my mother was really low.
Along with being low she had to so much more rage,
Taking it out on me, I remember being so afraid.
No one really knew and no one really cared,
She humiliated me in public and numerous people would stare.
I lost all my friends because she decided to shout in the street too,
Screaming in the front garden, now the neighbours finally knew.
She got taken away in a car and people fussed over me,
I didn't know how to feel, what was going to happen to me?
My brother went to his dads and I was passed around,
Family to more family and town to village to town.
I was so unsettled, I refused to eat any food,
We saw my mother in hospital and then she was out pretty soon.
She didn't really want me back with her, she could only cope with one child,
So I was put into care and that made me pretty riled.
After many placements I went back to live with her,
That broke down real quick as she was still the same abuser.
It's weird because she only ever hurt me and never touched my brother,
I remember wondering 'why did I have to have this for a mother?'.
I was taken back into care and went to over twenty different places,
So many new walls and so many 'concerned' faces.
Eventually at twelve years old after two years of moving around,
I got put in a children's home in another seaside town.
My head got so messed up there, it felt like I was in hell,
Overdosing, cutting and overnights in police cells.
I was surrounded by drama but yet still I kept trying,
Even though most nights I would end up crying feeling like I was dying.
The only one in school, I received 9 A-C GCSE's,
How I managed that, I don't know. It was far from easy.
I then wanted to do college, how ambitious was I?
Society says kids in care are just meant to fail and then die.
Two staff members hurt me, one on the day of my maths test,
So then I got really sad as I had to drop that AS.
I still had three to do though, so I had to stay on the ball,
However it's kind of hard to do that when you keep getting admitted to hospital.
The staff didn't care about me and I just couldn't cope,
I cut my arm way too deep and a few times I overdosed.
After all this it was decided I should move out earlier to live alone,
April 2012 I moved, after five painful years inside that children's home.
I did then become ill from dealing with all of the stress,
I got shingles for the second time whilst taking my end of year tests.
Second year of college I found myself struggling more and more,
I got a job working part time job in a health and beauty store.
I was running out of money and by then I had little hope,
That's when I decided to give drinking and escaping a go.
I had to drop out of college I was given no choice at all,
All my dreams and plans gone, I was now faced by a massive brick wall.
I kept determined though because otherwise all the resilience would have been for nothing,
No matter about the lack of help I still wanted to become something.
I became homeless at one point but didn't want that to define me,
I still had many goals and one was to go to university.
I got a place on a course that isn't really for me,
I start in September but I still don't feel happy.
Because of my lack of credits I can't study anything I actually want to do,
No one will give me a chance but they don't even have the slightest clue.
I'm on my last life line or at least that's how I feel,
My mentality is all over the place, I don't even know what is real.
Maybe there is will be hope someday, or maybe hope is for the dreamer,
This is a brief up to date outline of my life, I am a care leaver.
Thursday, 9 July 2015
My view on the potential loss of housng benefit as a care leaver.
I am a care leaver who has been forced to live independently since the age of seventeen. At seventeen years old I was still in my first year of sixth form college. Up until I was eighteen social services were obliged to pay for my accommodation. Once I turned eighteen social services were no longer responsible for me. I was told that I would have to apply for housing benefit to fund my rent. I am a resilient young person who has always been very anti claiming benefits and who has wanted to break the negative stereotype young people in care are given. I worked my hardest whilst studying yet I could still not afford the rent so I agreed to accept housing benefit. Due to the numerous flaws already existing in our welfare system I could not complete my A levels anyway because of financial difficulties in commuting to college. This meant I had to drop out and work. I managed to find a flat share because being the type of person I am, I did not want to claim benefit for a whole flat that I did not need.
If I did not have housing benefit to pay for my share of rent I would have been homeless. At seventeen years old when you are looking for your first job you face so much rejection from lack of experience in the work industry. I was lucky and managed to find work within retail however the majority of jobs in retail are part time, finding full time work was almost impossible. Even if I was working full time I would not have been able to afford somewhere to live, bills, food etc because of how low pay I was receiving. Minimum wage for eighteen year olds is £5.13 an hour, how are we expected to make a living from that?
In my opinion the government can not expect care leavers to legally stay in education until they have completed year thirteen. Work full time to pay for rent, food etc. AND not receive any sort of benefit. The government wants Britain to be full of hard working people. Care leavers can not become hard working people if they are never given the resources to start out.
I believe the government will not target societies most vulnerable young people and those who want to achieve however in case I am wrong I first hand testify to the government that cutting all benefits for care leavers will cause for a destructive future. Unemployment will rise, homelessness will rise, health costs will rise and the governments worst fear will rise - 'Laziness'.
If I did not have housing benefit to pay for my share of rent I would have been homeless. At seventeen years old when you are looking for your first job you face so much rejection from lack of experience in the work industry. I was lucky and managed to find work within retail however the majority of jobs in retail are part time, finding full time work was almost impossible. Even if I was working full time I would not have been able to afford somewhere to live, bills, food etc because of how low pay I was receiving. Minimum wage for eighteen year olds is £5.13 an hour, how are we expected to make a living from that?
In my opinion the government can not expect care leavers to legally stay in education until they have completed year thirteen. Work full time to pay for rent, food etc. AND not receive any sort of benefit. The government wants Britain to be full of hard working people. Care leavers can not become hard working people if they are never given the resources to start out.
I believe the government will not target societies most vulnerable young people and those who want to achieve however in case I am wrong I first hand testify to the government that cutting all benefits for care leavers will cause for a destructive future. Unemployment will rise, homelessness will rise, health costs will rise and the governments worst fear will rise - 'Laziness'.
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