It's 9pm and here I am sitting on my bed surrounded by numerous bags and boxes all over the floor. My stuff has been hastily shoved together ready for me to move tomorrow.
I couldn't tell you what lies in each box because I've completely randomised it due to lack of time. Kitchen stuff with toiletries, sports equipment with clothing... It's not as if moving is new to me but yet here I am completely unorganised with no clue as to what I'm doing.
I'm not sure if it's actually that I'm unsure of how to pack or unsure how to plan my time. When most people relocate home they put so much planning and effort into it but I think for me subconsciously I don't care anymore. It's just another move before another move and another move...
As care leavers we probably move houses more than any other minority. In fact the other day I was trying to count how many times I've moved in my life, I actually got well into the forties and that's just the places I remember...I think by the time I was 12 I had moved almost thirty times in my life. I know that many others have experienced the same.
Do you know how it feels to have know fixed abode? To be like a compass with no set point or destination? It's almost installed in my brain to be always on the move, always finding a new four walls to sleep in. This has become part of my of who I am now.
What's funny is after all of these moves, all the times I've wanted to move...I want nothing more to reach that final place of sacred security. A place I can finally call home and people I can call family.
Whenever I look back on my childhood I don't relive it, instead I look at myself from the outside. This young girl who only ever wanted to be loved but yet was passed around like a disease that no one wanted. Moving and moving and moving with no say or choice. I'm exactly the same now but yet I get to choose where I live and this is perhaps a problem...
My whole life people have controlled me. They've told me where I'm going to live and that's that. I adapted. Now I'm trying to find who I am and what it is I want but how can I know when I've been bought up by the local authority with all of their systems and structures? Everything has always been procedure. Now I'm alone and I don't know wheres best for me or what's best for me? Hence why I constantly make poor decisions.
I know I want to be happy. I want to create a home and a family. But the journey is rocky and I'm not sure I'll find my way but I guess it's all just trial and error. I won't know if I don't try.
I'm going into a house share, this may be for me it may not. I may be on here in six months time writing how I've hit the lowest point in my life but at least I would have grown and evolved.
Hopefully someday in the future I'll be married, maybe with a child on the way, settled and can then look back and smile on nights like this and say to myself "you made it... you found your home, you found a place where you belong".
Until then.
X
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