Onward and downward (poem).

I've looked back my whole life but now my head is still,

Fixed on one destination where I find such appeal. 

I've avoided this course for so long but the other roads are dead,

Their prospects dismantled, no meaning ahead.

From a young girl until now, I've always been alone,

A compass with no point and the world to roam.

They claim and preach that love is essential to human life,

that without such a feeling you can't survive.

Maybe that's right, but that's not a point I've got to prove,

Being unwanted my whole life isn't why I'm making this move.

The neglect, the abuse yes it's caused me great pain,

But that's not why I'm here outside in the rain.

The world I've realised is not a nice place,

No one can be trusted because people are fake.

There's death all the time, there's hurt everywhere,

Terrorist attacks, knife crimes a world in despair.

There's no compassion, the ignorance is bliss,

But I can't move forward knowing all of this.

My knees are now week, I've been standing too long,

I shut my eyes, turn around, my surroundings are gone.

I start to lean back, let all control go,

As I plunge peacefully to the rocks and water below. 

A little insight on self harm.

In the 21st century we know how complex the mind can be and that all sorts of factors can contribute to mental health problems. There's chemical imbalances, environmental factors, hereditary conditions, abuse, trauma etc...
I like to think as a society we're starting to understand mental health conditions a lot more and how much of a struggle it actually is to survive in this forever evolving world.

Yes, I do believe that everyone should have an awareness of mental health issues. It's important to understand that people don't "just "choose" to exhibit certain behaviours. But specifically here and now I want to look at those that call themselves "professionals".

Doctors, nurses, social workers... they all have some sort of element of training that teaches them about the complexities of the mind. They work with patients suffering from mental health conditions and help them to manage their symptoms/behaviours.

Particularly, one  destructive behaviour I want to talk about is self harm. There's such a negative stigma attached to this and many people, even some professionals really do not understand it regardless of their "qualifications".

The Oxford dictionary definition of self harm is: deliberate injury to oneself, typically as a manifestation of a psychological or psychiatric disorder. 

With this description in mind we can know that self harm isn't something that people with a healthy mind thrive on doing. Self harm comes from a very dark place...

The reason I'm writing about this topic in specific today comes from a conversation I had with a friend earlier. Me and this friend both used to live in the same children's home...

I started talking about how I'd like to have surgery if I had the money and asked her if she would consider getting anything done. She then listed the "common" procedures such as "lipo, stretch mark removal" but lastly she finished by saying "I'd like surgery for my scars". We both sympathised with each other on this and had a conversation about how much we wish we could erase the marks of the past from our skin.

The thing is, this could have been a different story. Had staff within the children's home we lived in had a proper understanding of our emotional needs we may not have done this. Self harm I believe is something that unless you've done it yourself, you'll never quite get it. Maybe I'm wrong...

Anyway, most of the staff within this home didn't try to get it at all. There was a psychologist named Esmo who worked with the staff and kids in the home. She trained the staff in what she claimed was the best approach to self harm... "Just ignore it". 

That negative perception stating that "self harmers just want attention" rung so true even amongst those who are supposed to have an understanding of mental health problems. OF COURSE WE WANTED ATTENTION. We needed it. Often children in care have been neglected their whole lives, do they not deserve a bit of love? A bit of affection?

Obviously I can't talk on behalf of those I lived with but for me self harm was something I had picked up within the home from the other kids. It became a coping mechanism for when I was distressed. As the scars would heal, I'd look at my body in absolute disgust and think "why did no one care enough to stop me?". 

All I ever wanted was someone to care about me. Someone to look after me. To be there in my times of distress but instead what did I get? I got ignored. 

I don't care who you are whether you have a degree, masters or even a PHD that claims you know mental health. If you think that people self harm merely for attention, you don't have a clue.

I remember when a staff member pleaded with me not to ever self harm  again...it was the longest period of time I even went without doing it because to think that someone valued me and my life made me see the worth in it. 

Sadly, still to this day training teaches not to give those who self harm any attention. But I can give you an education now that's much more valuable than any who claim they know the mindset behind those who do it but have never had personal experience.

This is real from someone who first hand knows what self harm is really about...

Always go with your intuition. Unless you're a complete robot, you know it doesn't feel right to just ignore the kid who's crying out for help. 

Be there. Care. Help children in your care to know they're worth. To know that they are loved and valued. Engage with them and help them to turn their pain into something else, an activity... whether it be art, sports, singing...

Try and be there to share the weight of their burden. These children have been through so much trauma already, they're supposed to be safe now and able to flourish, reaching their full potentials.

You should be able to go to sleep at night knowing that you tried your best with genuine, authentic care to stop a child from sabotaging their bodies. 

If you want, you can dismiss everything I've written.
You can follow the advice of those who may have the qualifications and "high status"... but then don't be surprised with the guilt that haunts you. Because by ignoring these children, you're somewhat responsible. 

You can say "it was their choice to self harm"...but that's like putting a baby on a table and saying it was their choice to fall off...

Mental health limits capacity and at the end of the day these children are in your care. As the "corporate parents", this is on you.

This is a little insight about self harm and also a friendly warning to those professionals working with societies most vulnerable.

HELP, don't ignore.

Never settle.

What does it mean to settle? Is it the same as being content or satisfied? Or is settling the outcome for those oppressed and conditioned to believe they have a set place in society?

Did the retail worker doing forty hours a week on minimum wage choose that job because they see working as simply a means to live or did they not push themselves because those around say "it's too late for you to pursue an education now" or "you have a husband with a good job, you don't need one".

I believe settling is a generic issue that in one way or another we all do. Whether it's accepting a defeat or agreeing to avoid confrontation, we all at some point have not pushed ourselves beyond the comfort zone.

But what I want to talk about in particular is a specific oppressed group in society: care leavers.

If you were to ask a local authority what they're duty was to care leavers they would probably say something like: "To help them to gain independence and become self reliant". Some might even say "To help them to reach their full potential". I don't know if service managers say things like this with a genuine naivety  or if it's pure ignorance but I can't think of a single care leaver I know that has been helped to recognise their value and worth.

I know many care leavers who are doing quite well. If you'd ask them if they're happy, they'd say "I'm OK". Some might even say "yes, I'm happy" but you can still feel that sense of something being held back. A few of the care leavers I lived with now have children and even their own little families. Many aren't really doing anything with their lives and are others are in prison.

But all of these people, me included and all the other care leavers who have pursued careers or an education are oppressed by those very people who have claimed to previously be our "corporate parents".

Normally, a parent wants the best for their child. They want them to strive and go beyond the barriers and obstacles in life. Often children are told "you can do anything you want".

Not a child in care. Not care leavers. I can't recall any words of motivation like the above. Or if I did it was empty. Sure some may have had individuals around who inspired them to go on and make something for themselves. But sadly, these individuals come and go and words alone are empty.

However, you can always rely on the local authority to be there...(In case you can't tell, this is my dry sarcasm at it's finest).

Most LA's have leaving care teams. These teams consist of personal advisers and each adviser has about twenty young people they work with. Their role like previously said is to help young people gain independence. The main tool they use for doing this is a document called "The pathway plan".
This is supposed to be a written paper that documents your plans for the future.

So at eighteen, most PARENTS when thinking about their child's future would want them to be off at university or pursuing a career of some kind. But no, that's not what the ex corporate parents want. They want you to sign on to benefits and go onto the housing register. Just because care leavers aren't apparently individuals and it's easy to have a sweeping, generic system.

Then, once you get to 21 they can wash their hands of you, (just like a "parent" right?) bish bash bosh.
You've got a life on benefits and you've been made to settle.
Now, don't get me wrong for some people regardless of being a care leaver, this is the life they want. But I genuinely believe that only a small percentage of care leavers want this life. They've got it because they decided settled. They don't want the hassle of going against the system, they don't want the stress. They've accepted their place in society and that's fine, they can get by.

But it's just sad, isn't it?
That child that was abused and told they weren't worthy of anything continues to believe that their whole life because no one told them otherwise. Because professionals believe that sorting out practical matters is what's important and essential.

I think of all the people I know. I think of what they could have been. They could have had such an impact on the lives of others yet they've been shut away in a corner believing that that's where they belong. That they aren't important.

Well, I'll never stand in that corner. And I will bring as many people into the light as I can. It's a constant battle and going against the system is exhausting but it's a worthy fight. I know there's others who feel the same as me and together we can unite and bring those we grew up with alongside us.

 No care leaver should be left behind. No care leaver should be defined by their past.

To those who try to "box us", please keep doing so. While your insight is shrinking our minds are expanding, learning from the negativity you harbour.

To my fellow care leavers please never give up, never settle. Imagine your wildest dreams and believe that you can achievement. This is the only life you have and it's valuable, never believe otherwise.

A care leavers life is always an uphill battle and education is on a mountain the other side of the world.

I haven't written on this blog for a while but that's not to say I'm less frustrated with things, just very busy! Also, I think because I'm now studying to be a Social Worker there's limits to what I should share. But I've never been in denial about anything that's happened to me and for now I shall continue to be that same, honest person who likes to express themselves and share exactly what's on their mind.

This writing today is the outcome of weeks of hard reflection. I've found myself overwhelmed on numerous times. Having flashbacks to when I was homeless and thought I'd never be able to get to where I am now. Sometime I cry out of pure gratitude and disbelief at where I am.

I'd say one of the reasons I've got where I am today is because of my mouth. Sure, I've always been very ambitious and determined but without this big gob of mine I wouldn't have got anywhere. University is a far distance for people like me who have been in residential care. I would even go as far as saying that it's a lot easier for those who lived in long term foster care to get an education but... I know I shouldn't judge.

My experience has been very unique to me. Unlike nowadays, I didn't get a personal adviser when I turned eighteen, I had a barely existent social worker who offered me no help at all. This lack of help meant that even with a job I couldn't afford to go to college anymore at eighteen. I couldn't even afford basic needs like prescriptions because I downright refused to do what they system said and go on benefits.

Anyway, it was when I was homeless at twenty and living in a hostel that the leaving care service came into play. They managed to get me a room to rent at a college over the summer which I'm still very grateful for. However, this was just temporary and they wanted me to go on benefits blah blah which I again, refused and said no, I want to go back into education and eventually do the degree I should have started two years ago.

After doing some research I discovered that other county's pay uni accommodation for care leavers. I made a case and put it forward to my county and eventually got them to agree to pay my accommodation and also all the rent for the other care leavers pursuing education. Unfortunately, to no surprise this didn't last long...

I was quite lucky in that I managed to get a written agreement that they would pay my accommodation for all the years I'm at university. However now for others they are only agreeing to pay for the first year. Now, lot's of people may think :"Oh, that's fine...just get a job".  But it's not as simple as that though is it?

Those that have been in care have often been subject to abuse and trauma which has led to ongoing mental health issues. Being a full time student and working ridiculous hours to cover the rent has a huge impact on those already struggling with life. It might be OK for those from other backgrounds but often care leavers have NOTHING. No support system. No family, no friends. To ask them to bend over backwards to be able to merely afford to live at an age when most still live with their parents is going to make them question the meaning of their life and if indeed it is all worth it?

For me personally I worked out that if I had to pay my rent I would have around £20 a week left to live off, WOAAHH. That's obviously not enough. And in my degree we're discouraged from working in the second and third year so what would I have done?

University already feels like a place created for the middle class as it is. Being amongst those who have had a completely different experience to you is hard, often you do feel out of place. UNIVERSITY IS HARD. But, we have a Tory government who want people with degrees, they want people with jobs. If that's the case then why is it almost impossible for those most likely to be NEET to get access to any opportunities?

The government dishes out millions and millions of pounds for these care leavers to be on benefits yet they can't put aside money for those wanting to better themselves and contribute to society? Makes sense.

There's a vicious cycle and when I read the statistics it angers me. 1% of those from residential care go to university. 6% of those with a care background (any form eg foster, residential) go to university. Whereas over a third of those who aren't care leavers end up going to university.

In short, the majority of care leavers at eighteen are helped to get on the housing register, shown how to apply for benefits and then they're dropped in a flash. Do you know why? Because that's what's easy. Professionals have never liked me because I didn't make their job easy. Even now, I've constantly been put down with the decisions I've made like going to university. And I've talked to many who have said the same. I don't think I've ever met one person who has valued the service and the contribution it's made to their life. Weird right??

**sigh**

This isn't an efficient piece of writing and I'm sure the literacy is that of a preschooler however when I need to rant, I need to rant.

DEAR COUNTY COUNCILS PLEASE ENCOURAGE YOUR CARE LEAVERS TO PURSUE EDUCATION.

DEAR GOVERNMENT, PLEASE STOP SAYING HOW SOCIETY'S MOST VULNERABLE NEED HELP AND ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING.

DEAR CARE LEAVERS, YOU'RE AMAZING. And I'm sorry that the system is failed you. I'm sorry that you've lost your voice and have had decisions about your life made for you...your agency stripped away.

I hope that in ten years I can look back and see positive changes. Although I'm very skeptical I hope to do that best I can. I hope that the government wakes up and realises how dependent children in care are on them. How the state needs to fulfil it's statutory duty in caring for these children and helping them to reach their full potential.

Thank you to all those who are fighting this battle with me. X

Care leavers deserve more consideration for places at University.

Those who have been under the care of the local authorities will move out into independence just before their eighteenth birthday. In terms of school years this is around year 13. When this happens little support becomes available and many obstacles can arise impacting on a care leavers success. Different counties vary but many are still pretty underdeveloped and unable to give the right support to those in need.

This is where issues can occur:

Firstly a care leavers health can become affected. As humans we need certain elements for survival. Love and care are factors that contribute to a healthy development. When care leavers become independent they often have no one. Having no support plus trying to achieve can lead to stress and severely impact on the mental health of a young person. This can potentially lead to destructive behaviours and addictions. Not only this but if the care leaver can no longer deal with their life, how are they supposed to achieve an education?

Health isn't the only issue though. In various parts of the county no financial help is available for those previously looked after by the state. This means many care leavers rely on benefits. Some may work but the physical and mental strain of working and taking part in full time education can take a real toll. I know this from personal experience. Sometimes no matter how much a young person tries, the odds just aren't in their favour. If a young person can no longer afford to get to college what happens then?

Lets say a year or so forward, maybe the system has changed. Maybe it hasn't. Maybe there is more support in place. Maybe there's not.

The only finance available for those in education is a student loan. Student loans are only available to those doing a level 4 qualification eg. A degree. So, you would think that if a care leaver wants to achieve but has no money then they could just apply to University and get a loan. That loan would then cover their food and accommodation... But no, it's not that simple.

To get into university one must meet a certain criteria. This criteria being level 3 qualifications. A care leaver may have tried their hardest to gain these qualifications but yet obstacles and adversity have meant they haven't been able to even though they may be academically able.

When Universities see that a person doesn't meet the requirements they are often rejected without given any sort of chance to prove intellectual ability. In circumstances of laziness this is understandable. But care leavers aren't lazy they just often have limited options. To not be given the opportunity to do entry tasks etc and be given at least one chance is highly unfair.

The government wants less people on benefits and more working. A huge number of those who have been in the care system are now the ones claiming benefits. Not always out of choice, sometimes out of lack of options. 

If  more lenience and more consideration is given to care leavers by university admission departments along with more understanding and less judgement then maybe these resilient young people would go on to make a real difference and contribution to society.

I can only hope for the future.

David Cameron provides first sign of hope for those in care and care leavers.

Today I read an article titled 'Children in care let down for too long' says David Cameron'. 

The article starts by saying:

Writing in the Sunday Times, the PM promised "zero tolerance" of state failure around social care and a new covenant for those leaving care.

Upon reading this introduction I was obviously intrigued to carry on.  The fact that the government have finally actually put a thought into the social care system provided me with hope. The acknowledgement that the government has failed us as parents provides me with some content. 

He has said: Instead of "rigid rules and processes", social workers will be allowed to use their "experience and common sense to make good judgements". The reason that this is so important is because children in care all so very different and a lot of them very traumatized. Making a certain set of rules applicable for every child in the system can cause a lot of unnecessary distress as every situation is different and needs a different approach from someone with good judgement and knowledge of the circumstances.

With regards to care leavers such as myself, Cameron has pledged to give more support introducing a 'care leavers covenant'. This means that care leavers with clearly know what help they can get from local authorities. He has also said that up to the age of 25 care leavers will receive a mentor who will give them more personalised help.

Obviously this news is very promising however I really hope that Cameron doesn't fall through. Although the government has the power to change laws, make new laws etc essentially it is local authorities that then use them. I don't know about every county but certainly the county I am in is in vast need of improvement when it comes to support for care leavers.

Care leavers have a support worker/ personal advisor. Their job is provide care leavers with guidance and advice helping them to become independent. Care leavers get one of these when they turn eighteen instead of social worker. As often those previously looked after by the authorities have no family they are completely on their own when they turn eighteen hence why they have a PA. Most people still live at home when they are eighteen.

The problem I have is that I don't feel that these workers are getting the correct training. Now I can only speak from my experience but the team I'm under is severely understaffed. Each worker has a bout fifteen or so young people to work with. This means that time is very limited and individual needs get forgotten and devalued. Lots of care leavers don't bother because they don't have the support. They go on benefits and live a simple life which suits support workers. If you push yourself like I have it seems more of an effort for workers and like they almost wish you weren't achieving. 

What these PA's really don't understand is mental health. It's like they expect all young people to be a certain way. They forgot that lots of us have been abused. Lots of us have gone through trauma. Lots of us now have severe mental health problems which they aren't helping with. They're job is to make us independent but they don't seem to get that mental health can cause a strain on this. The stress I've had because of my illness mixed with the lack of knowledge from these workers has been draining. I've not known what to do half the time. The service manager is teaching his team in the wrong way. Teaching staff to work with us like we are the lower members of society. Just making sure that we are alive. Not caring what we do. Where we go.

Although I've gone slightly off topic, it's all relevant. David Cameron wants to improve the lives of care leavers? Then, there's a lot to do. These changes aren't a one man job, the whole system needs a make over and I really hope the government manage to be consistent with what they are going to do.

Here's the original article I read: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-36295213

Panorama exposes teenage prison abuse and it's absolutely unacceptable.

I'm someone fully aware of what a cruel place the world can be. I'm aware of the abuse, discrimination and injustices surrounding vulnerable children. But sometimes I forget how horrible and unfair life is for some young people. 

Today I watched a panorama episode titled: Teenage prison abuse exposed. The link to this epsiode had come up on my Facebook newsfeed and I was intruged so I clicked on it. Five minutes in and my emotions were getting the best of me. I felt overwhelmed.

The programme is reported by 'Robert Charles' who goes undercover with a hidden camera attached to his clothing. He acts as a custody officer for security firm 'G4S'. The aim of this investigation was expose the unprofessional and abusive behaviour of the staff towards the children. The results are disgusting. 

These young people are between the ages of 12 and 18. Lots of them from a care background or suffer from mental/behavioural problems. For healthy development to grow into respectful adults of society these children need help to overcome their problems. 

In this episode there are so many outrageous breaches of power by the staff at the institution:

- Physical abuse - We are told by reporter Robert Charles about the correct training, We are told that restraints should only be carried out when neccisary. In this video we hear the staff talking about how much they want to hurt the children. We see them unnecessarily and inappropriately restraining the children in the incorrect ways, intentionally hurting them and enjoying it. 

- Not recording incidents/ lying about incidents - Robert is told by 'colleagues' about how incidents are not reported if they show a 'lack of control' for example four of the young people fighting. This is because the institution would face potentially being shut down. We also see that when staff initiate physical violence that they report it as the young person attacking them. 

This is a complete abuse of power. These are societies most vulnerable children and they do not deserve that. Between the age of 12-18 our brains are still developing and are at a crucial point. If trauma continues through this age it can be seriously damaging causing severe mental issues. Not only that but mistreatment of youths in prison often result in re offending. 

I am someone who has always tried to do good. I've never wanted to break the law or commit crime and yet I've been arrested, I know how unjust the world can be. I also know how childhood trauma can cause you to be seriously messed up as a teenager. I think many authorities such as the police, prison officers etc need further training on how to appropriately deal with teenagers. I do believe that sensitivity and more understanding is needed.

After years of abuse and over twenty foster placements I went into a children's home and I remember this made me very unsettled. I remember the police were called due to this and the police officer had no compassion at all. At twelve years old he called me a 'slag' amongst other things and threatened to pepperspray me. After looking up to police officers this traumatised me.

Now I know that not all police officers are like that, I respect what the police do so much. They look after our country and keep us all safe. I've always had that view so when that happened to me it was horrible.

But the sad reality is that there is a discrimination against young people. I'm someone who was abused as a child and assaulted by a staff member who worked in my children's home. Those adults who did that to me don't have any warnings on their record. But me, someone who has always respected the law even with the life I've had, does. 

I don't know if there's any justice is the world but there sure as hell needs to be. The treatment of those kids in that prison was absolutely unacceptable. Society will keep going round in an endless circle if something isn't done. These teenagers will grow into disrespectful adults have disrespectful children and so on and so on. There needs to be a change in this never ending tragic story. 

I really hope soon the government will tackle this discrimination and for once and all end it.

Here is this panorama episode, please watch it and share! Thank you. 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b06ymzly/panorama-teenage-prison-abuse-exposed