Just typing my stress, putting rage on the page as it comes out.

I’m living my life free from you

You’re just someone that I once knew.

I cut that tie as quick as I could,

if I could erase you completely I probably would.

Although 2019 leaves you way behind,

Right now I have a few things on my mind.

You came up on my social media again,

I guess that’s going to happen with mutual “friends”.

I say friends, you’d say family

However, none of that matters to me.

What matters is how many secrets we have,

Because only you and I truly know the bad.

I took the higher road because life is to short,

But things are affecting me more than first thought.

I never spoke out, I never went to the police.

You shut me down and silenced me.

All the sick words and vile abuse,

All the physically pain to me you would do.

You damaged me good, yet lies you still tell,

No one knows my true story of hell.

Still to this day I let you carry on,

But it’s not because this is a battle you won.

Yes I still get upset, and have bad days,

Trauma takes time to go away.

I needed to share my feelings again,

But I won’t ever share with those “mutual friends”.

Yes got away with it, there was no justice

Sometimes that’s just the way life is.

But I'm going to keep doing good,

Being a 100 times better than you ever could.
Character and morals things foreign to you,
they're the things I focus on and pursue.
You'll keep not growing, keep deceiving,
But at life I plan to keep on winning.

This isn’t a poem this is just words,

Words that I felt needed to be heard.

I was going out but I'm stuck here instead

The sun creeps in, it's time to open my eyes,
stretch my arms and legs, reach for the dice.
Is it luck? Is it fortune that will control my day,
any power I once had has been stripped away.

I hope and I wish to be given a break
from the days of disgust, self loathing and hate.
Breathing in deep, I go up to the glass
where I see my reflection and hear the enemy laugh.

I'm not due a vacation, I have to persist
a little while longer, feeling like this.
No dinners out, no meeting with friends,
I'm busy, I'm ill I'm living pretend.

The truth makes no sense not even to me,
choices all made based on what I can see.
All the small details making one bigger mess,
perfection, obsession all causing this stress.

I try to purify, cleansing my skin,
But I know this is a battle that I never will win.
Stripping my make up, five, six more times,
Until rage runs through me, water filling my eyes

Piles of clothes on the floor, a mess like my life,
I wanted to leave this house but nothing looks right.
trapped by appearance, losing this game
shaking, not breathing, going insane.

The branches wrap around me, squeezing me tight
a tree from Eden so deadly taking my life.
Five steps backwards, I lay again on my bed,
I was going out but I'm stuck here instead.

Girl on the move

It's 9pm and here I am sitting on my bed surrounded by numerous bags and boxes all over the floor. My stuff has been hastily shoved together ready for me to move tomorrow.

I couldn't tell you what lies in each box because I've completely randomised it due to lack of time. Kitchen stuff with toiletries, sports equipment with clothing... It's not as if moving is new to me but yet here I am completely unorganised with no clue as to what I'm doing.

I'm not sure if it's actually that I'm unsure of how to pack or unsure how to plan my time. When most people relocate home they put so much planning and effort into it but I think for me subconsciously I don't care anymore. It's just another move before another move and another move...

As care leavers we probably move houses more than any other minority. In fact the other day I was trying to count how many times I've moved in my life, I actually got well into the forties and that's just the places I remember...I think by the time I was 12 I had moved almost thirty times in my life. I know that many others have experienced the same.

Do you know how it feels to have know fixed abode? To be like a compass with no set point or destination? It's almost installed in my brain to be always on the move, always finding a new four walls to sleep in. This has become part of my of who I am now.

What's funny is after all of these moves, all the times I've wanted to move...I want nothing more to reach that final place of sacred security. A place I can finally call home and people I can call family.

Whenever I look back on my childhood I don't relive it, instead I look at myself from the outside. This young girl who only ever wanted to be loved but yet was passed around like a disease that no one wanted. Moving and moving and moving with no say or choice. I'm exactly the same now but yet I get to choose where I live and this is perhaps a problem...

My whole life people have controlled me. They've told me where I'm going to live and that's that. I adapted. Now I'm trying to find who I am and what it is I want but how can I know when I've been bought up by the local authority with all of their systems and structures? Everything has always been procedure. Now I'm alone and I don't know wheres best for me or what's best for me? Hence why I constantly make poor decisions.

I know I want to be happy. I want to create a home and a family. But the journey is rocky and I'm not sure I'll find my way but I guess it's all just trial and error. I won't know if I don't try.
I'm going into a house share, this may be for me it may not. I may be on here in six months time writing how I've hit the lowest point in my life but at least I would have grown and evolved.

 Hopefully someday in the future I'll be married, maybe with a child on the way, settled and can then look back and smile on nights like this and say to myself "you made it... you found your home, you found a place where you belong".

Until then.

X

A few worlds about the world as we know it

Surrounded by confusion, the faces look lost

the lines all blur into a colourful chaos.

Questions never answered, perspectives dismissed,

ignorance to the famine that doesn't exist.

Holding on tight to the dimmest spark,

sewing the threads that keep falling apart.

hands locked together, protecting what's left,

arguing and fighting for what is said to be best.

Regardless he crumbles, now weak to the core,

everything is different and not like before.

the lock is broken, the pieces don't fit,

a few words about the world as we know it.

Onward and downward (poem).

I've looked back my whole life but now my head is still,

Fixed on one destination where I find such appeal. 

I've avoided this course for so long but the other roads are dead,

Their prospects dismantled, no meaning ahead.

From a young girl until now, I've always been alone,

A compass with no point and the world to roam.

They claim and preach that love is essential to human life,

that without such a feeling you can't survive.

Maybe that's right, but that's not a point I've got to prove,

Being unwanted my whole life isn't why I'm making this move.

The neglect, the abuse yes it's caused me great pain,

But that's not why I'm here outside in the rain.

The world I've realised is not a nice place,

No one can be trusted because people are fake.

There's death all the time, there's hurt everywhere,

Terrorist attacks, knife crimes a world in despair.

There's no compassion, the ignorance is bliss,

But I can't move forward knowing all of this.

My knees are now week, I've been standing too long,

I shut my eyes, turn around, my surroundings are gone.

I start to lean back, let all control go,

As I plunge peacefully to the rocks and water below. 

A little insight on self harm.

In the 21st century we know how complex the mind can be and that all sorts of factors can contribute to mental health problems. There's chemical imbalances, environmental factors, hereditary conditions, abuse, trauma etc...
I like to think as a society we're starting to understand mental health conditions a lot more and how much of a struggle it actually is to survive in this forever evolving world.

Yes, I do believe that everyone should have an awareness of mental health issues. It's important to understand that people don't "just "choose" to exhibit certain behaviours. But specifically here and now I want to look at those that call themselves "professionals".

Doctors, nurses, social workers... they all have some sort of element of training that teaches them about the complexities of the mind. They work with patients suffering from mental health conditions and help them to manage their symptoms/behaviours.

Particularly, one  destructive behaviour I want to talk about is self harm. There's such a negative stigma attached to this and many people, even some professionals really do not understand it regardless of their "qualifications".

The Oxford dictionary definition of self harm is: deliberate injury to oneself, typically as a manifestation of a psychological or psychiatric disorder. 

With this description in mind we can know that self harm isn't something that people with a healthy mind thrive on doing. Self harm comes from a very dark place...

The reason I'm writing about this topic in specific today comes from a conversation I had with a friend earlier. Me and this friend both used to live in the same children's home...

I started talking about how I'd like to have surgery if I had the money and asked her if she would consider getting anything done. She then listed the "common" procedures such as "lipo, stretch mark removal" but lastly she finished by saying "I'd like surgery for my scars". We both sympathised with each other on this and had a conversation about how much we wish we could erase the marks of the past from our skin.

The thing is, this could have been a different story. Had staff within the children's home we lived in had a proper understanding of our emotional needs we may not have done this. Self harm I believe is something that unless you've done it yourself, you'll never quite get it. Maybe I'm wrong...

Anyway, most of the staff within this home didn't try to get it at all. There was a psychologist named Esmo who worked with the staff and kids in the home. She trained the staff in what she claimed was the best approach to self harm... "Just ignore it". 

That negative perception stating that "self harmers just want attention" rung so true even amongst those who are supposed to have an understanding of mental health problems. OF COURSE WE WANTED ATTENTION. We needed it. Often children in care have been neglected their whole lives, do they not deserve a bit of love? A bit of affection?

Obviously I can't talk on behalf of those I lived with but for me self harm was something I had picked up within the home from the other kids. It became a coping mechanism for when I was distressed. As the scars would heal, I'd look at my body in absolute disgust and think "why did no one care enough to stop me?". 

All I ever wanted was someone to care about me. Someone to look after me. To be there in my times of distress but instead what did I get? I got ignored. 

I don't care who you are whether you have a degree, masters or even a PHD that claims you know mental health. If you think that people self harm merely for attention, you don't have a clue.

I remember when a staff member pleaded with me not to ever self harm  again...it was the longest period of time I even went without doing it because to think that someone valued me and my life made me see the worth in it. 

Sadly, still to this day training teaches not to give those who self harm any attention. But I can give you an education now that's much more valuable than any who claim they know the mindset behind those who do it but have never had personal experience.

This is real from someone who first hand knows what self harm is really about...

Always go with your intuition. Unless you're a complete robot, you know it doesn't feel right to just ignore the kid who's crying out for help. 

Be there. Care. Help children in your care to know they're worth. To know that they are loved and valued. Engage with them and help them to turn their pain into something else, an activity... whether it be art, sports, singing...

Try and be there to share the weight of their burden. These children have been through so much trauma already, they're supposed to be safe now and able to flourish, reaching their full potentials.

You should be able to go to sleep at night knowing that you tried your best with genuine, authentic care to stop a child from sabotaging their bodies. 

If you want, you can dismiss everything I've written.
You can follow the advice of those who may have the qualifications and "high status"... but then don't be surprised with the guilt that haunts you. Because by ignoring these children, you're somewhat responsible. 

You can say "it was their choice to self harm"...but that's like putting a baby on a table and saying it was their choice to fall off...

Mental health limits capacity and at the end of the day these children are in your care. As the "corporate parents", this is on you.

This is a little insight about self harm and also a friendly warning to those professionals working with societies most vulnerable.

HELP, don't ignore.

Never settle.

What does it mean to settle? Is it the same as being content or satisfied? Or is settling the outcome for those oppressed and conditioned to believe they have a set place in society?

Did the retail worker doing forty hours a week on minimum wage choose that job because they see working as simply a means to live or did they not push themselves because those around say "it's too late for you to pursue an education now" or "you have a husband with a good job, you don't need one".

I believe settling is a generic issue that in one way or another we all do. Whether it's accepting a defeat or agreeing to avoid confrontation, we all at some point have not pushed ourselves beyond the comfort zone.

But what I want to talk about in particular is a specific oppressed group in society: care leavers.

If you were to ask a local authority what they're duty was to care leavers they would probably say something like: "To help them to gain independence and become self reliant". Some might even say "To help them to reach their full potential". I don't know if service managers say things like this with a genuine naivety  or if it's pure ignorance but I can't think of a single care leaver I know that has been helped to recognise their value and worth.

I know many care leavers who are doing quite well. If you'd ask them if they're happy, they'd say "I'm OK". Some might even say "yes, I'm happy" but you can still feel that sense of something being held back. A few of the care leavers I lived with now have children and even their own little families. Many aren't really doing anything with their lives and are others are in prison.

But all of these people, me included and all the other care leavers who have pursued careers or an education are oppressed by those very people who have claimed to previously be our "corporate parents".

Normally, a parent wants the best for their child. They want them to strive and go beyond the barriers and obstacles in life. Often children are told "you can do anything you want".

Not a child in care. Not care leavers. I can't recall any words of motivation like the above. Or if I did it was empty. Sure some may have had individuals around who inspired them to go on and make something for themselves. But sadly, these individuals come and go and words alone are empty.

However, you can always rely on the local authority to be there...(In case you can't tell, this is my dry sarcasm at it's finest).

Most LA's have leaving care teams. These teams consist of personal advisers and each adviser has about twenty young people they work with. Their role like previously said is to help young people gain independence. The main tool they use for doing this is a document called "The pathway plan".
This is supposed to be a written paper that documents your plans for the future.

So at eighteen, most PARENTS when thinking about their child's future would want them to be off at university or pursuing a career of some kind. But no, that's not what the ex corporate parents want. They want you to sign on to benefits and go onto the housing register. Just because care leavers aren't apparently individuals and it's easy to have a sweeping, generic system.

Then, once you get to 21 they can wash their hands of you, (just like a "parent" right?) bish bash bosh.
You've got a life on benefits and you've been made to settle.
Now, don't get me wrong for some people regardless of being a care leaver, this is the life they want. But I genuinely believe that only a small percentage of care leavers want this life. They've got it because they decided settled. They don't want the hassle of going against the system, they don't want the stress. They've accepted their place in society and that's fine, they can get by.

But it's just sad, isn't it?
That child that was abused and told they weren't worthy of anything continues to believe that their whole life because no one told them otherwise. Because professionals believe that sorting out practical matters is what's important and essential.

I think of all the people I know. I think of what they could have been. They could have had such an impact on the lives of others yet they've been shut away in a corner believing that that's where they belong. That they aren't important.

Well, I'll never stand in that corner. And I will bring as many people into the light as I can. It's a constant battle and going against the system is exhausting but it's a worthy fight. I know there's others who feel the same as me and together we can unite and bring those we grew up with alongside us.

 No care leaver should be left behind. No care leaver should be defined by their past.

To those who try to "box us", please keep doing so. While your insight is shrinking our minds are expanding, learning from the negativity you harbour.

To my fellow care leavers please never give up, never settle. Imagine your wildest dreams and believe that you can achievement. This is the only life you have and it's valuable, never believe otherwise.